Eurovision 2012: Report

Eurovision 2012 was a more disappointing one, I regret to report.

Let me first commend another year of generally high-quality songs and the theme of show - "Light your Fire" to tie in with Azerbaijan's nickname of the 'Land of Fire' - dominated by bright orange and yellow colours. The stage was modern and well designed, resembling a piece of abstract art, and had two 'arms' extending into the audience area.

However, the show was let down by the lack of charisma and personality of the presenters, who seemed to take long unnatural pauses in between sentences. The show is naturally scripted, but last year's hosts in Germany were picked for being popular with their home audience and partial to some improvisation.

The stage at Eurovision 2012 in Baku

This year's contest was also subject to controversy given Azerbaijan's poor record in human rights and undemocratic nature compared to European countries. Eurovision is intended to be apolitical, but that bring us on to the next point.

Is it really about politics?

There are large numbers of people, mainly those who don't watch it, who dismiss the Eurovision Song Contest as being a popularity contest and a matter of neighbour voting. But recent years have proven it is not as black and white as this. The UK's string of bad luck commenced in 2003 when we scored nul points for the first time ever. This was the same year as the war in Iraq commenced, but the song was atrocious. It was a monotonous pop song with little variation in the tune and sung off key.

Our luck picked up in 2009 when we came 5th with a song written by Andrew Lloyd Webber, followed by last place again in 2010 with another monotonous pop song with little variation in the tune, predictable lyrics and sung by nobody we had ever heard of. Then last year, we came a respectable 10th with Blue in a contemporary song that sounded like it could have been lifted straight out of the charts. So, can you see a relationship between the quality of the song and our final position?

Neighbour voting does exist of course. But this could easily be explained by the fact that neighbouring countries share similar cultures and languages. Greek/Cyprus, Scandinavia, Italy/Spain/France, Austria/Germany and so on... 

Nevertheless, some neighbour voting is simply down to politics and alliances when one country sends a song sung in English, completely unrelated to its culture, and receives 12 points from next door, and this especially happened this year, following a few years of absence.

The winners and losers

Sweden won with a contemporary club song. It was a very good song, beautifully sung, had interesting choreography and was very Eurovision, but there are a few problems with this. These kinds of song don't normally win. Moreover, this song was hyped up so much beforehand. All Eurovision media outlets were continuously reminding us that this song was the favourite, without telling us why. Now, if you plant the idea in someone's head that a certain song is the favourite, they're going to vote for it. So, thank you for psychologically fixing the contest this year. Then again, it could have been fixed more directly with intervention in the votes. In any case, it was very convenient that the country that won was one of the very few that can afford to host it next year.

Party for Everybody by Russian Grannies

As far as progress is concerned, we have also taken a step back in time this year with the Russian Grannies. Dress up 6 old woman in traditional costume with incoherent lyrics, minimal dancing and what do you get? 2nd place.

The remaining top 10 places were taken by deserving ballads, with non-English songs doing particularly well this year. Often at the bottom of the table, Spain especially did well in 10th place and has continually stuck to its guns by singing in Spanish and not deviating from its cultural roots, although the entrant Pastora Soler was allegedly asked not to win by her country to avoid the bill for next year.

Conversely, cheesy pop songs did badly, which is fine. Sadly, Engelbert Humperdinck for the UK came 25th out of 26. A true gent with a gentle ballad should have ended up towards the middle of the rankings, but as the first to perform, his song was simply too unmemorable.

Yes, Jedward were in it again

Language Man's favourite

As a fan of upbeat pop music in this contest (amongst more tasteful music), I had high hopes for France. However, her voice was too shaky on the night and slightly deeper for some reason, which didn't match the pitch of the melody. My ambitions turned to Italy for a jazz-pop song by a singer resembling Amy Winehouse in appearance and style, who came 9th.

Will I watch it next year?

Of course. Politics and voting aside, it's a good night of entertainment that produces at least half a dozen songs worthy of the iPod. As the show returns to Sweden next year, who won it the first time I watched Eurovision back in 1999, I think we can trust the reliable Swedes to put on a good show. I have always wanted to be there in person so perhaps that will be the year.

Eurovision 2012 - Worst 5 - #1 Montenegro

With a population similar to that of Glasgow, Montenegro could have sent its version of Franz Ferdinand, Primal Scream or Travis, but it has instead elected to find the nearest homeless person on Podgorica's High Street, and offer to wash his vest top and wooley hat for free if he agrees to represent them in the Eurovision Song Contest.

What they didn't offer him, however, were shaving facilities. Luckily, said homeless person speaks English. But I still don't think he would have got much money busking with this song. Or is it a rap? I'm not sure. In any case...le Monténégro, nul points.

Eurovision 2012 - Worst 5 - #2 Georgia

There seems to be a trend this year with countries who have sent good entries in previous years sending poorly thought-through comedy songs...and Georgia is one of them.

Its title "I'm a Joker" is quite fitting, because this song is simply a joke, no matter how many fireworks or how much 70s style disco lighting you use to distract people from this Joker.

Eurovision 2012 - Worst 5 - #3 Russia

Russia has gone for a song with a more traditional dance this year, albeit to up-beat disco music, and having it performed by six 80-year-olds may seem cute to them, but this was not to my taste at all. 

There's always one completely ridiculous song that does well and this will be it.

Eurovision 2012 - Worst 5 - #4 Austria

Austria has long been known for sending atrociously bad entries leaning towards comedy acts rather than musical ones. This year is certainly no exception. It features two young gentlemen, who seem to have tumbled out of Topshop's smart department - which means a suit, but unironed, untucked and with an ironic tie - shouting into a microphone and punching the air angrily.

There is one aspect that I do like, and that is the fact that the song, "Woki mit deim Popo", is sung in a dialect of Austrian German called Mühlviertelerisch, which equates to the UK sending an act singing in Westcountry. Regardless, no Eurovision song should translate as "Shake your ass".

Eurovision 2012 - Worst 5 - #5 San Marino

San Marino, a country enclosed by Italy with a population of 30,000, can be forgiven for not having a large pool of talent. But, there was still no need to send a song about social networking by a singer that requires autotune. The melody sounds cheap and as if it has been taken from the public domain, the lyrics are few and far between, most of which consist of "uh oh oh oh ah", and twenty seconds into the song, you just sigh and think what's the point?

Eurovision 2012 - Top 5 - #1 France

Not many songs fulfilled all the criteria for the song I'd choose as my favourite:

• Up-beat dance song with predictable lyrics
• Sung mostly in the country's native language (and one that I can understand)
• Not an atrocious singing voice
• A sufficient amount of colourful flashing lights to keep me entertained 

In fact, this was the only one that met all four points. At first, it sounded like a horrible RnB song, but quickly transformed itself into a celestial-like sound reminding us why we love Eurovision. This is the kind of song that will either do quite well, or very badly.

It certainly won't win, but I'm glad that France have prevented this year's competition from turning into a dismal display.   

Eurovision 2012 - Top 5 - #2 Denmark

Denmark have chosen a cross between Sergeant Pepper and a submarine captain, unsurprisingly singing a soft rock song. There's someone with an acoustic guitar in their act every year. It won them the 2000 contest, but it's ballads that do the trick these days.

It's not too far-fetched to imagine this song in the Top 10 of the UK chart, outside of the Eurovision context, as it's beautifully sung, regardless of how ridiculous she looks. 

Eurovision 2012 - Top 5 - #3 Ukraine

Everything I like about this song, I also hate: the mesmerising lighting, the fast-moving purple trumpeteers and the ambiguity as to whether the singer is male.

What's more, I can't decide if this woman can sing or not, but she does have a pair of lungs on her. But, this ensemble does make for a more entertaining three minutes than most of he line-up.

Eurovision 2012 - Top 5 - #4 Netherlands

A refreshing alternative with this Native American-themed song. The Netherlands often don't make it past the semi-final because they usually send out-of-tune badly written pop entries sung in Dutch English.

This singer's pronunciation isn't perfect - you can hear Dutch diphthong sounds quite clearly - and this is always a danger when non-English speaking countries sing in English. But as one the few songs that isn't a repetitive pop song or a boring ballad, this song is very listenable.

Eurovision 2012 - Top 5 - #5 Greece

Greece has done consistently well in recent years, including coming 3rd in 2001, 2004 and 2008, and winning the competition in 2005, all by choosing songs that are...well, Greek.

A high-powered dance routine to a rapid pop tempo dominated by that Greek guitar sound with a handful of young men who look like waiters dancing around a scarcely-dressed female in a sparkly dress always does the trick. This year is no different, albeit slightly more bland. Nevertheless, it should guarantee the usual maximum points from Cyprus and Albania, and minimal points from Turkey and Macedonia.